My new career: Moviestar!

Eat, Poop, Bitch: One Woman's Search for Anything the Produces Solid BMs Across, Tarlac, Clark and Manila.

"A single woman, pretty much satisfied with her life, realizes she must travel halfway across the planet.  After a painful flight, she takes off on a round-the-country journey to "find solutions for other people's issues".

Rated B for Boring.

A New Hotel

We’ve stayed at 3 hotels so far on this trip.  A 5 star hotel in Manila, a 4 star hotel in Clark and now a 3 star hotel in Tarlac.  Work is in Tarlac and our hotel in Clark that’s  about an hour commute each way.  Brutal, especially when you’re commuting at night, by the time we get to work we’re ready for another nap.  So we decided to change venues and stay at the Microtel.  We checked it out last week and got a quick tour of the place before we moved.  There’s no restaurant, no room service, no gym, iron, blow dryer, elevator, running track, salon, pool and the bathtub is old.  But I DON”T care because it does have free Wifi, a microwave, a fridge that gets colder than room temperature, and it doesn’t smell at all.  No carpets to soak up any mystery smells.    Just smells like a room.  and I bought 2 vanilla candles at the “American Bazaar” store, where everything is 66 pesos, about $1.20 and now it smells like heaven. 

I didn’t watch any of the Superbowl.  Nobody knows what that is here.  I could have watched some of it online but what’s the fun in that?  Watching the Superbowl by yourself without chicken wings, beer  or commercials? Nah. 

Our new hotel has breakfast in the small lobby in the mornings.  It’s very basic, very basic.  I just want to eat something and go to my room.  There’s about 6 food selections and 2 servers.    There’s a suspicious looking dish of veggies that smells delish. It’s  boiling and cooked so in my eyes it’s safe.  It’s a sort of long stringy cabbage/lettuce kind of veggie.  So I’m chewing it but it’s doesn’t break down very easily at all, so I’m forced to just swallow.  Tasty.  But hard to chew not because it’s tough but because it’s kind of slimy.  Some of it gets caught in my back teeth and at the same time I swallow.  But the slimy stringy cabbage doesn’t go completely down my food pipe because the other tip of the SSC is stuck in one of my molars.  So I try to lodge it out of my teeth and I can literally feel a tug in my stomach because that’s how far it’s gone down, but it won’t go down all the way because it’s lodged in my tooth.  Deep breaths, deep breaths again.  I need to stop writing for a moment because talking about it is grossing me out.  But dang that was some tasty slimy cabbage.

Random thought: The Philippines, why is it called “The” Philippines.  The United States.  But not The Germany or The Kenya.  The Sudan, and now soon to be something called South Sudan.  Or The Bronx. But not The Mexico.  I have a lot of down time, I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

This is so awesome, I’m watching the Hulk, the original episodes of the Hulk! He always seems to be running away in super slomo from the explosive situation that he’s gotten himself into. RUN, RUN!!  People are so mean. 

Panic Attacks at the Mall

I’m pretty sure the Philippines is NOT like one of the other over populated countries like China or Japan.  There is room for people to move and plenty of space to stretch your legs.  So what is the deal with the lack of awareness of personal space?  I'm a native New Yorker,  a place that lacks plenty of space to stretch your legs, most New Yorkers are always pretty conscience of giving others their personal space.  If you're next in line at the ATM there is certain amount space that you will give that person.  If you're in line at the grocery store that space may not be so big.    Here it's a different story.

Example number one:

I go inside an accessory/purse store at the mall.  The sales lady greets me then stands about less than one foot  away from me to my side.  Just stands there staring.  I could see her from my peripheral vision and totally thought she was arranging something on a table next to me.  Nope, when I looked up she just flashed a big smile at me.  I move 3 feet and she moved with me.  Then I moved to the side just to see if she would follow me and she did.  I walked to the other side of the store and she followed.  I was about a half a second away from saying " can you please not stand so close to me" but then thought,  f it, I don't need any of this bling bling junk anyway. 

Same thing at the next clothing store I went to.

The third store I went to was one of those teeny bopper stores like Hot Topic.  I loved that they did not even acknowledge me when I walked in, they were too busy on their cell phones.  That’s where I spent my money.

Next stop: the grocery store.  I was getting queasy from the different smells of fish and industrial cleaners.  Finally I get to the check out counter and I'm already a little irritated because it took me so long to find anything that was appetizing.  I told the cashier "I'm paying this with cash (booze and deodarant) and this with credit (5 supersized bowls of Ramen Noodles Pho and 5 cans of pineapple juice, 2 cans of tropical fruit and 1 can of carrot juice) I start putting my items on the conveyor belt, but it's not a conveyor belt because it's not moving, and it's wet.  So I push all my items down towards the cashier which ensures that whatever  mystery liquid I saw is now completely spread on the bottom of my items.  Exhale.  An older lady standing behind me, very very close behind me, TOO close, on line then proceeds to start unloading her items.  Hey wait! I'm not done yet.  I still have stuff in my cart and she's starts unloading her stuff.  "Excuse me, I'm not done" I say.  She doesn't even look up to acknowledge me but stops unloading her cart.  I finish and look up at the cashier and she says "sorry maam, cash only"   I look up and there's a huge sign that says "Cash Only".  I take all my items and literally throw back in the cart.  It makes loud obnoxious cling clang sounds and everybody turns to look at me.  I don't care. CLING CLING CLANG.  The lady behind me is rolling her eyes at me.  I thought I was going to be escorted out by the Philippino police. I was so irritated. And embarrassed at my own behavior.  I just couldn’t help myself.   At that moment I thought "I just want to go home".  OK get over yourself .

Went back to the hotel, ran 4 miles, a hard grudge run, I was hyperventilating.  Then went to the gym and shut off the AC and did some yoga.  Ahhhhhh.........Exhale.

More movies:

Remo Williams (1985)-  I love this movie.

The Brady Bunch Movie – I love Jan’s afro and the voices in her head.

Taken with Liam Neeson.  This is a really awesome underexposed movie.  He’s a bad ass in it.  I became a fan of Liam Neeson when I saw “Satisfaction” another great 80s movie that I’ve seen about 20 times and used to have the soundtrack.  Justin Bateman, Liam Neeson and Julia Roberts.  That’s the order of their names in the trailer. 

and

Terminator!

Scooby Snacks, Ramen Noodles and San Miguel.

I never knew how good PB&J could be. 

I thought I had everything under control.  The stomach is under control, I’m adjusting to the hours and getting some good sleep.  I wake up yesterday morning and BAM I have a rash on my chest.  The bad news is,  It aint pretty, little bright red bumps.  The good news is that it doesn’t itch and I woke up in the middle of the “night” (3pm) and it was gone.  All gone, what a relief.  That bad news is that when I woke up this morning it was back again.  Not as red and ugly as the day before but still there.  Could it be the cleaning products?  The PB&J, stress, bedbugs?  I went to the onsite nurse and she just stared at me like a mute.  “Well?!  What do you think?” She took my temperature in my armpit (normal) and  handed me a little packet of calamine lotion.  Thanks a lot.

Movies  and TV I’ve watched in my hotel room:

Australia: Hugh Jackman, you beautiful thing you.

Nothing In Common: 80s movie with Tom Hanks, Sela Ward and Jackie Gleason http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nothing_in_Common

Get Smart: Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway.  He’s hilarious and she’s annoying.

Scream

Little Black Book with Brittany Murphy and Holly Hunter, wow that was a bad movie, well for how much I saw of it.  Brittany Murphy weighed  about 80lbs in that movie.  Poor girl, RIP.

Oprah’s New Kids On the Block reunion.

CNN: history being made in Egypt.

I also like to watch the Hotel Info channel. Sometimes I just sit on my bed and stare at it. The crappy radio in my room is all static.  The Hotel channel has a smooth asianish /comtemporary instrumental elevator tune, it plays continuously.   It makes me feel  all Kenny G-ish.   These melodies can also be heard in certain Chinese buffets.  Like that big one in Overland Park across from the Walmart on 94^th and Metclalf.   The same “songs” over and over again.  Over and over again.  China Star or Panda Star or some kind of Chinese star. 

Speaking of Chinese, Happy Chinese New Year, Year of the Rabbit. I was trying to get to bed yesterday and heard some major ruckus outside my window.  Sounded like a jack hammer, what the!!!????  It was 4 hotel dudes playing the some huge drums and about 5 guys wearing one of those red lion dance costumes.  The celebration lasted as long as it took for them to dance around the gazeebo.   1 minute max, then the party was over. 

For me it's the year of the Bikram Yoga Rabbit.

Misc food and stuff prices:

1 can of San Miguel Light Philippino beer – 30 pesos.  About 80 cents.

1 can of Heineken – 207 pesos, about $4

1 medium bag of Lay BBQ potato chips 150 pesos $3.40

McDonald’s Egg Mcmuffin, hash browns and Tang (aka OJ) 95 pesos $2.15

Coach purse -  1000 pesos $22 (it might be a knock off)

2 pieces of Fried chicken and a big ole scoop of white rice in the work cafeteria-37 pesos =$.84

7 days of Wifi at the hotel  $2500 pesos=$54

1-6 liter  bottle of water – 67 pesos – $1.50

 If you order a burger and fries in a restaurant here you would think the fry guy forgot to put fries on your plate because you just get a small handful.  Not like home where it’s half the plate.  Everything is smaller here, the people, the egos, the noise level, the prices. 

The only thing supersized here are the Ramen noodles.  The ramen noodles in the convenient stores and grocery stores are the size of a bowl that takes both hands to pick up.  And that shit is tasty.  That’s my new thing, Pho Ramen noodles from 7-11 and sprite zero.

SuperSizeMe Ramen Noodles- $53 pesos  $1.20.

I’m currently watching Scooby Doo in Tagalog, the Philippino language.

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallehhhhhhhlujahhhhhhhhhhhh

I found a grocery store and filled my cart with the most non exotic foods the Philippines has ever seen.  Remember the movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, right after the dinner of eyeball soup and monkey brains? Indiana goes to Kate Capshaw’s room and she thinks he’s trying to seduce her but all he’s doing is offering her a basket of apples and oranges?  If you know that scene, that was me in the grocery store today. 

White bread, PB & J, mixed berry yogurt, Special K cereal bars, tropical fruit in a can, oranges and white tea.  Ahhh what a relief.  No more prepared foods for me for at least a week.  I’ll be brown bagging it to the call center going forward.  In addition to all that boring food, I bought liquid Lysol, Lysol in a can, rubber gloves, disinfectant wipes and scrubbed  the shit out of this room from top to bottom.  I looked like Cinderella scrubbing the floors before the ball, I think I was just chanelling my energies, I was a cleaning freak.  I even wiped down every item of food I bought from the Hypermarket.  I scrubbed the bathroom floors, the dressers, the tv, the door knobs, the counter tops, everything.  I feel more at ease and my stomach is feeling better.  Tonight’s menu: low fat peanut butter without partially hydrogenated evils, strawberry smuckers jam on white bread, almonds, an orange and white tea.  Yawn and Yum.

Jollibees and Tigers

I’m glad I made friends with the drunken Navy boys with too many tattoos.  Jesse told us about a place called Zubic Zoo.  You can feed the tigers and take pictures.  I’m so in.  Our hosts plan the trip and off we go, 5 of us in a minivan-plus the driver-off to the zoo that’s about 1 hour away.  My Philippino cohort convinces us that we must try the popular fast food chain Jollibees.  It’s the McD’s of the Philippines.  I’m excited to try it out.  I’m convinced I’m going to love it.  Surely they’ll have grilled chicken breast…. nope.  I opt for the #1-The Champ meal.  Burger, fries, soft drink.  Easy enough.  Fries were ok, the sprite was delectable and the burger tasted like one of those beef patties that school cafeterias buy in bulk.  There’s a seasoning that tasted like curry or cinnamon or cardamom or turmeric or something like that.  The ketchup taste like old school generic ketchup.  Now I think I can say that generic ketchup has come a long way because now cheap ketchup, in my book, still tastes like Heinz.  I’m not big on ketchup but when it comes to French fries I’m a ketchup whore.  Philippino ketchup has certain twangy, tangy bite to it and it’s a lot thinner, more like thin gravy than a hearty sauce.  No tang, no twang, I just want sweet tomatoes, preferably with high fructose corn syrup.  Nope, no likey the Jollibee burger.  I had that burger at about noon and at 9pm I was still burping up essence of Jollibee.  I’m so hungry I eat half of my burger before I realize, “hey I don’t like the taste of this”  I did indeed like the taste of the French fries.  Unfortunately as one of my fellow international traveler/bloggers pointed out, stick to the fried foods, they’re pretty safe.  http://www.jollibee.com.ph/index.php?/menu/menu_list.   An hour on the road and we get to Zubic.  It’s not like Six Flags or any kind of amusement park, that as soon as you hit the town there are signs everywhere pointing you in the direction of your destination.  You just gotta know how to get there.  Once we get into the vicinity we start driving up a pretty windy road for about 20 minutes.  Surely this must be they way right?  We come to a fork in the road.  There’s an arrow pointing the right that says “ZubicTreetop Adventure” that’s not us, we’re want Zubic Safari.  The road ahead of us has 2 very large signs that read “DO NOT ENTER” One sign on the left, one sign on the right.  Well we’re not going to the Treetop and…what the hell are you doing dude?  DO NOT ENTER!! He don’t care, he’s going straight.  After about 50 yards there’s a sharp turn in the road, he don’t give a fuck, he’s going!  Standards, expectations and emotions are different overseas because I just sat there like a mute while he drove through the 2 DO NOT ENTER signs.  But it’s the same when it comes to directions because apparently we had been lost for a while until the driver decided to asked for directions.  We made a couple of u-turns and passed through “toll bridge” of some sorts.  In the Philippines there’s a “guard” at every town entrance. They may or may not stop you.  This one did.  Someone wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.  That’s ok, the police officer turned a blind eye after he was offered 300 pesos-about $6.  We get to the Zoo Safari entrance, which looked identical to any Six Flags Safari entrance, and that was it, no more similarities.  The bathrooms were clean and decent with a Zafari tropical feel, because it was “outdoors”, no AC.  I would prefer a filthy gas station bathroom with toilet paper.  What good is a clean bathroom without toilet paper?  I asked one of the attendants for toilet paper and she just shrugged and walked away.  My Philippino coworker then went over to another attendant and must have said something like “please excuse her, she’s American, she needs her toilet paper”  Not that I ever sit on public toilet seats, but I would like the option, but there was no lid, just the ceramic top portion that the lid lays on.  I then unrolled half of the roll and saved in my purse for any other visits to the toilet.  The sink looked like one of those super modern sinks that have one knob, like the one at the bathroom in Kona Grill on the Plaza that tries to mimic a tropical safari feel.  But it wasn’t mimicking anything,  it was a tropical safari sink with a bottle of hand soap duct taped to a thin pipe on the wall.   Ahh feeding the tigers. For 300 pesos you can feed a tiger with a baby bottle, pet the tiger, hold the tiger’s tail and take pictures.  Not a bad gig, I think.  All the tiger has to do is sit up on a table while he gets petted and fed.   I’m sure PETA would disagree.  I was kind of nervous and thought about the Zigfried and Roy disaster, was that going to happen to me?  How long would it take for that tiger to rip half my face off?  Can he smell fear? No that’s dogs and bees right?  I petted it like a big stuffed animal.  So adorable, like a big kitty cat.    It’s not like a zoo back home, you just don’t walk around on your own, there’s a tour guide.  It was interesting but there’s only so much you tell me about, camels and birds before I get bored and want to move on.  Then there was the Animal Parade.  First in the parade….2 huge hogs on a miniature float, one with a wedding veil and another with a bow tie with a sign behind  the float “Just Married”.  I don’t think that’s such a good gig like the tigers.  The Animal Parade is being MC’d by a loud Philippino female with intense techno music in the background.  There were bleachers that seated a couple hundred people, all full, and a stage.  In between the stage and the bleachers was the Parade route.  I can’t remember what animal it was but when it came out the Philippinos started bowing. There were horses and turkeys and even chickens.  I’ve never been to an animal parade bere.   Next stop, the Cave of Horrors, which was like a really bad haunted house but really not scary.  They had real animals like owls and lizards but they also had a stuffed actual size zebra and lion.   Next stop, The Jeepney Tiger Feeding Event.  Jeepneys are the most popular form of public transportation, made from surplus US military jeeps sold or given to the Philippine government after US troops began leaving the Philippines after WWII.  These special Jeepneys are fortified with steel rods, they better be. The tigers  jump on the sides of the Jeepneys and you can volunteer to feed the tiger raw chicken parts.  Gag and barf.  The guide opened a tiny tiny “door” on the side of the Jeepney like a prison food slot, he stuck his whole f’in hand out and as soon as the tiger got about 6 inches away he pulled the chicken parts and hand back in and then fed the tiger thru a smaller slot.  I looked down and saw a piece of pink, raw chicken in between the seat and the side of the jeepney.  It was dry like it has been sitting there for a while.  Gag.  Sounds so gross, yes but those tigers were amazing.  Ferocious.  Next stop, the Crocodile House.  F that, we’re tired, let’s head back.  

Funky Smells

When I walk out of my hotel room it’s a mix of strong and cheap air freshener/ fabric softener, diesel fuel and curry.  The hotel lobby smells like too much cold air and old lady perfume.  When you step outside, well  it really depends on what side of the hotel you are on.  If it’s the front of the hotel, it smells like wet air with wiffs of fertilizer.  The back of the hotel smells like chlorine.  My most favorite area of the hotel is the elevator.  It doesn’t smell like anything.  There’s about a 15 degree difference in the elevator since there’s no AC in there but I love it. It smells like nothing.  I rode the elevator up and down a few times just to enjoy the neutrality of the smell,  but since there are only 7 floors, you can imagine it wasn’t a very long ride.  The main dining room of the buffet restaurant smells like slight mixture of ammonia and mildew. 

Our commute is about 45 minute to an hour to work.  There’s one toll bridge and when the driver opens the window it smells like 1985 perm.  Remember that perm smell?  Those chemical toxic perm concoctions we ladies used to put in our hair to make it curly.  Well not me, I have curly hair but jeeezz do I remember that smell like it was yesterday.  And I’m not talking about a slight hint of perm, I’m talking about having a wet head of hair with perm toxins sitting in it  and you putting the tip of your nose right up the hair and taking a big ole sniff.  Oh my oh my oh my.  Then we just have to sit here and suck in those toxic fumes.  I have no idea what it is but your internal survival instinct tell you that smell is “no bueno!” 

There’s a 4 kilometer track just a block away from the hotel. But the security guard has to open this ginormous rod iron gate to let you out.  Then when you’re done from running you have to find another security guard to let you back in.  The conversation between the security guard who let back onto the hotel grounds:

SG: you American? 

Me: Yup 

SG: You American beautiful woman?  (in a form of a question) 

Me: I guess so  SG: What’s your room number? 

Me: wtf? Get away from me.

Now if I was in the US I would be all up in the hotel managers’ face filing a complaint and for sure getting something for free.  But what am I supposed to do here?  Get this guy fired?  Why the hell does he want my room number.  Are you gonna bring me fresh towels?  I’m pretty sure he would be fired.  They don’t f around over here. 

I just killed a mosquito the size of a horsefly.  I’m not exaggerating I stared at the sucker for about 15 seconds before I wiped it off the glass wall with the restaurant place mat. I’m itchy all over now.  It’s 7am.  I’ve been up for about 3 hours.  I have to go to work at 9am tonight.  I want to drink coffee so badly right now but I’m afraid it will mess up my stomach.  Here’s my plan: Stay up until noon.  Take a Lunesta, go to bed and wake up at 7:30pm.  Have dinner and go to work.  I’ll get back at 8am ish.  Then what? Go to bed?  Zzzzzzzzzzz

Here are the things I’ve have realized I can do without since I’ve been here.  My smart phone,  Earrings, facebook, make up, booze and $6 cigarettes.

Here are the things I miss: Driving to work in the AM, Yoga, oatmeal, plain tomatoes, checking my email every 10 minutes, tap water, chicken breasts, my boyfriend ,big garden salads, solid bowel movements, smell of fresh air in the morning and my friends.

I have to say I’ve been a little sad and lonely the past couple of days.  Between not sleeping right, not eating right, being afraid that if I fart I’ll shit my pants and missing home, it hasn’t been the best trip.  It’s not supposed to a vacation or anything, it is what it is.  Also we’re not really enjoying the country.  We’re working nights and sleeping during the day.  We’re the working class, not tourists.    There really is no downtime, the way downtime should be. For me downtime is coming home from a stressful day at work and working out and coming home feeling soothed and relaxed.  Maybe a hot shower and a cold glass of wine in front of the television. Then looking forward to one of those friggin delish Puertorican meals I cook.    Here we’re getting home when everyone is waking up. I can’t have a  drink at 9am before breakfast.  Thinking and writing about being sad and lonely is making me more sad and lonely.  It’s kind of that sad feeling that goes along with a really bad hangover.  It’s not true sadness, it’s just your mind and body playing tricks on you.  The good news is that I’ve been here for 1 week and it feels like 2.  The better news is that I’m here for 2 more weeks. It’ll feel like spring by the time I get home. 

We went to the 4 star restaurant in the hotel in Manila.  4 stars my ASS!  Let’s talk about customer service again.  These people are sweet as pie but just because they are nice doesn’t mean they deliver what they should.  It doesn’t matter what kind of restaurant it is, they don’t clear your plates, they don’t refill your drink or ask if everything is OK.  This has been our experience at the TGI Friday’s, the airport restaurant, the breakfast restaurants or the 4 star restaurant, Red, inside the Shang Ri La.  I ordered a glass of white wine.  7 minutes later my glass was still empty. I’m getting irritated and again if I was in the US I would already be complaining to someone, I’m thirsty dammit!!!! 7 minutes is a long time to be waiting for overpriced cheap wine.  Finally she comes over and starts to pour wine in my glass.  At this point I’m salivating as I watch the liquid fill the glass then all of a sudden she gasps. I’m like Wtf?  I get scared and I gasp.  She looks at the glass and says “so sorry sorry maam” in her cute Philippino accent.  I’m thinking there’s a lizard in my glass or some kind of live insect or some shi!. She grabs the glass and points to a drop of water on the upper inside of the glass.  I’m not kidding, a DROP of water.  I say “ what are you talking about?  That drop of water?” she says “so sorry maam, yes maam, I get you other wine”  My hand starts to reach for the glass while I say “don’t worry about it, it’s a drop of water, my hand almost touches the glass and she snaps it away.  “no maam, no maam” now I’m irritated.  I want that wine, and I want it now, I don’t care.  I’ve been sniffing toxic fumes for 3 days, I want my wine!!! She puts the glass on the table to adjust her grip on the wine bottle and I go for the wine glass, I grab it and she grabs it and here I am in a playing tug of war with a glass of white wine.  My co-worker says “give her the f’in glass” the waitress is almost in tears as she says “please maam, my boss, please, the boss may see”.  Holy crap?  I reluctantly let go of the that godforsaken glass of cheap wine.  It took her another 7 minutes to bring me another glass.