I’m glad I made friends with the drunken Navy boys with too many tattoos. Jesse told us about a place called Zubic Zoo. You can feed the tigers and take pictures. I’m so in. Our hosts plan the trip and off we go, 5 of us in a minivan-plus the driver-off to the zoo that’s about 1 hour away. My Philippino cohort convinces us that we must try the popular fast food chain Jollibees. It’s the McD’s of the Philippines. I’m excited to try it out. I’m convinced I’m going to love it. Surely they’ll have grilled chicken breast…. nope. I opt for the #1-The Champ meal. Burger, fries, soft drink. Easy enough. Fries were ok, the sprite was delectable and the burger tasted like one of those beef patties that school cafeterias buy in bulk. There’s a seasoning that tasted like curry or cinnamon or cardamom or turmeric or something like that. The ketchup taste like old school generic ketchup. Now I think I can say that generic ketchup has come a long way because now cheap ketchup, in my book, still tastes like Heinz. I’m not big on ketchup but when it comes to French fries I’m a ketchup whore. Philippino ketchup has certain twangy, tangy bite to it and it’s a lot thinner, more like thin gravy than a hearty sauce. No tang, no twang, I just want sweet tomatoes, preferably with high fructose corn syrup. Nope, no likey the Jollibee burger. I had that burger at about noon and at 9pm I was still burping up essence of Jollibee. I’m so hungry I eat half of my burger before I realize, “hey I don’t like the taste of this” I did indeed like the taste of the French fries. Unfortunately as one of my fellow international traveler/bloggers pointed out, stick to the fried foods, they’re pretty safe. http://www.jollibee.com.ph/index.php?/menu/menu_list. An hour on the road and we get to Zubic. It’s not like Six Flags or any kind of amusement park, that as soon as you hit the town there are signs everywhere pointing you in the direction of your destination. You just gotta know how to get there. Once we get into the vicinity we start driving up a pretty windy road for about 20 minutes. Surely this must be they way right? We come to a fork in the road. There’s an arrow pointing the right that says “ZubicTreetop Adventure” that’s not us, we’re want Zubic Safari. The road ahead of us has 2 very large signs that read “DO NOT ENTER” One sign on the left, one sign on the right. Well we’re not going to the Treetop and…what the hell are you doing dude? DO NOT ENTER!! He don’t care, he’s going straight. After about 50 yards there’s a sharp turn in the road, he don’t give a fuck, he’s going! Standards, expectations and emotions are different overseas because I just sat there like a mute while he drove through the 2 DO NOT ENTER signs. But it’s the same when it comes to directions because apparently we had been lost for a while until the driver decided to asked for directions. We made a couple of u-turns and passed through “toll bridge” of some sorts. In the Philippines there’s a “guard” at every town entrance. They may or may not stop you. This one did. Someone wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. That’s ok, the police officer turned a blind eye after he was offered 300 pesos-about $6. We get to the Zoo Safari entrance, which looked identical to any Six Flags Safari entrance, and that was it, no more similarities. The bathrooms were clean and decent with a Zafari tropical feel, because it was “outdoors”, no AC. I would prefer a filthy gas station bathroom with toilet paper. What good is a clean bathroom without toilet paper? I asked one of the attendants for toilet paper and she just shrugged and walked away. My Philippino coworker then went over to another attendant and must have said something like “please excuse her, she’s American, she needs her toilet paper” Not that I ever sit on public toilet seats, but I would like the option, but there was no lid, just the ceramic top portion that the lid lays on. I then unrolled half of the roll and saved in my purse for any other visits to the toilet. The sink looked like one of those super modern sinks that have one knob, like the one at the bathroom in Kona Grill on the Plaza that tries to mimic a tropical safari feel. But it wasn’t mimicking anything, it was a tropical safari sink with a bottle of hand soap duct taped to a thin pipe on the wall. Ahh feeding the tigers. For 300 pesos you can feed a tiger with a baby bottle, pet the tiger, hold the tiger’s tail and take pictures. Not a bad gig, I think. All the tiger has to do is sit up on a table while he gets petted and fed. I’m sure PETA would disagree. I was kind of nervous and thought about the Zigfried and Roy disaster, was that going to happen to me? How long would it take for that tiger to rip half my face off? Can he smell fear? No that’s dogs and bees right? I petted it like a big stuffed animal. So adorable, like a big kitty cat. It’s not like a zoo back home, you just don’t walk around on your own, there’s a tour guide. It was interesting but there’s only so much you tell me about, camels and birds before I get bored and want to move on. Then there was the Animal Parade. First in the parade….2 huge hogs on a miniature float, one with a wedding veil and another with a bow tie with a sign behind the float “Just Married”. I don’t think that’s such a good gig like the tigers. The Animal Parade is being MC’d by a loud Philippino female with intense techno music in the background. There were bleachers that seated a couple hundred people, all full, and a stage. In between the stage and the bleachers was the Parade route. I can’t remember what animal it was but when it came out the Philippinos started bowing. There were horses and turkeys and even chickens. I’ve never been to an animal parade bere. Next stop, the Cave of Horrors, which was like a really bad haunted house but really not scary. They had real animals like owls and lizards but they also had a stuffed actual size zebra and lion. Next stop, The Jeepney Tiger Feeding Event. Jeepneys are the most popular form of public transportation, made from surplus US military jeeps sold or given to the Philippine government after US troops began leaving the Philippines after WWII. These special Jeepneys are fortified with steel rods, they better be. The tigers jump on the sides of the Jeepneys and you can volunteer to feed the tiger raw chicken parts. Gag and barf. The guide opened a tiny tiny “door” on the side of the Jeepney like a prison food slot, he stuck his whole f’in hand out and as soon as the tiger got about 6 inches away he pulled the chicken parts and hand back in and then fed the tiger thru a smaller slot. I looked down and saw a piece of pink, raw chicken in between the seat and the side of the jeepney. It was dry like it has been sitting there for a while. Gag. Sounds so gross, yes but those tigers were amazing. Ferocious. Next stop, the Crocodile House. F that, we’re tired, let’s head back.
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