My new career: Moviestar!

Eat, Poop, Bitch: One Woman's Search for Anything the Produces Solid BMs Across, Tarlac, Clark and Manila.

"A single woman, pretty much satisfied with her life, realizes she must travel halfway across the planet.  After a painful flight, she takes off on a round-the-country journey to "find solutions for other people's issues".

Rated B for Boring.

A New Hotel

We’ve stayed at 3 hotels so far on this trip.  A 5 star hotel in Manila, a 4 star hotel in Clark and now a 3 star hotel in Tarlac.  Work is in Tarlac and our hotel in Clark that’s  about an hour commute each way.  Brutal, especially when you’re commuting at night, by the time we get to work we’re ready for another nap.  So we decided to change venues and stay at the Microtel.  We checked it out last week and got a quick tour of the place before we moved.  There’s no restaurant, no room service, no gym, iron, blow dryer, elevator, running track, salon, pool and the bathtub is old.  But I DON”T care because it does have free Wifi, a microwave, a fridge that gets colder than room temperature, and it doesn’t smell at all.  No carpets to soak up any mystery smells.    Just smells like a room.  and I bought 2 vanilla candles at the “American Bazaar” store, where everything is 66 pesos, about $1.20 and now it smells like heaven. 

I didn’t watch any of the Superbowl.  Nobody knows what that is here.  I could have watched some of it online but what’s the fun in that?  Watching the Superbowl by yourself without chicken wings, beer  or commercials? Nah. 

Our new hotel has breakfast in the small lobby in the mornings.  It’s very basic, very basic.  I just want to eat something and go to my room.  There’s about 6 food selections and 2 servers.    There’s a suspicious looking dish of veggies that smells delish. It’s  boiling and cooked so in my eyes it’s safe.  It’s a sort of long stringy cabbage/lettuce kind of veggie.  So I’m chewing it but it’s doesn’t break down very easily at all, so I’m forced to just swallow.  Tasty.  But hard to chew not because it’s tough but because it’s kind of slimy.  Some of it gets caught in my back teeth and at the same time I swallow.  But the slimy stringy cabbage doesn’t go completely down my food pipe because the other tip of the SSC is stuck in one of my molars.  So I try to lodge it out of my teeth and I can literally feel a tug in my stomach because that’s how far it’s gone down, but it won’t go down all the way because it’s lodged in my tooth.  Deep breaths, deep breaths again.  I need to stop writing for a moment because talking about it is grossing me out.  But dang that was some tasty slimy cabbage.

Random thought: The Philippines, why is it called “The” Philippines.  The United States.  But not The Germany or The Kenya.  The Sudan, and now soon to be something called South Sudan.  Or The Bronx. But not The Mexico.  I have a lot of down time, I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

This is so awesome, I’m watching the Hulk, the original episodes of the Hulk! He always seems to be running away in super slomo from the explosive situation that he’s gotten himself into. RUN, RUN!!  People are so mean. 

Panic Attacks at the Mall

I’m pretty sure the Philippines is NOT like one of the other over populated countries like China or Japan.  There is room for people to move and plenty of space to stretch your legs.  So what is the deal with the lack of awareness of personal space?  I'm a native New Yorker,  a place that lacks plenty of space to stretch your legs, most New Yorkers are always pretty conscience of giving others their personal space.  If you're next in line at the ATM there is certain amount space that you will give that person.  If you're in line at the grocery store that space may not be so big.    Here it's a different story.

Example number one:

I go inside an accessory/purse store at the mall.  The sales lady greets me then stands about less than one foot  away from me to my side.  Just stands there staring.  I could see her from my peripheral vision and totally thought she was arranging something on a table next to me.  Nope, when I looked up she just flashed a big smile at me.  I move 3 feet and she moved with me.  Then I moved to the side just to see if she would follow me and she did.  I walked to the other side of the store and she followed.  I was about a half a second away from saying " can you please not stand so close to me" but then thought,  f it, I don't need any of this bling bling junk anyway. 

Same thing at the next clothing store I went to.

The third store I went to was one of those teeny bopper stores like Hot Topic.  I loved that they did not even acknowledge me when I walked in, they were too busy on their cell phones.  That’s where I spent my money.

Next stop: the grocery store.  I was getting queasy from the different smells of fish and industrial cleaners.  Finally I get to the check out counter and I'm already a little irritated because it took me so long to find anything that was appetizing.  I told the cashier "I'm paying this with cash (booze and deodarant) and this with credit (5 supersized bowls of Ramen Noodles Pho and 5 cans of pineapple juice, 2 cans of tropical fruit and 1 can of carrot juice) I start putting my items on the conveyor belt, but it's not a conveyor belt because it's not moving, and it's wet.  So I push all my items down towards the cashier which ensures that whatever  mystery liquid I saw is now completely spread on the bottom of my items.  Exhale.  An older lady standing behind me, very very close behind me, TOO close, on line then proceeds to start unloading her items.  Hey wait! I'm not done yet.  I still have stuff in my cart and she's starts unloading her stuff.  "Excuse me, I'm not done" I say.  She doesn't even look up to acknowledge me but stops unloading her cart.  I finish and look up at the cashier and she says "sorry maam, cash only"   I look up and there's a huge sign that says "Cash Only".  I take all my items and literally throw back in the cart.  It makes loud obnoxious cling clang sounds and everybody turns to look at me.  I don't care. CLING CLING CLANG.  The lady behind me is rolling her eyes at me.  I thought I was going to be escorted out by the Philippino police. I was so irritated. And embarrassed at my own behavior.  I just couldn’t help myself.   At that moment I thought "I just want to go home".  OK get over yourself .

Went back to the hotel, ran 4 miles, a hard grudge run, I was hyperventilating.  Then went to the gym and shut off the AC and did some yoga.  Ahhhhhh.........Exhale.

More movies:

Remo Williams (1985)-  I love this movie.

The Brady Bunch Movie – I love Jan’s afro and the voices in her head.

Taken with Liam Neeson.  This is a really awesome underexposed movie.  He’s a bad ass in it.  I became a fan of Liam Neeson when I saw “Satisfaction” another great 80s movie that I’ve seen about 20 times and used to have the soundtrack.  Justin Bateman, Liam Neeson and Julia Roberts.  That’s the order of their names in the trailer. 

and

Terminator!

Scooby Snacks, Ramen Noodles and San Miguel.

I never knew how good PB&J could be. 

I thought I had everything under control.  The stomach is under control, I’m adjusting to the hours and getting some good sleep.  I wake up yesterday morning and BAM I have a rash on my chest.  The bad news is,  It aint pretty, little bright red bumps.  The good news is that it doesn’t itch and I woke up in the middle of the “night” (3pm) and it was gone.  All gone, what a relief.  That bad news is that when I woke up this morning it was back again.  Not as red and ugly as the day before but still there.  Could it be the cleaning products?  The PB&J, stress, bedbugs?  I went to the onsite nurse and she just stared at me like a mute.  “Well?!  What do you think?” She took my temperature in my armpit (normal) and  handed me a little packet of calamine lotion.  Thanks a lot.

Movies  and TV I’ve watched in my hotel room:

Australia: Hugh Jackman, you beautiful thing you.

Nothing In Common: 80s movie with Tom Hanks, Sela Ward and Jackie Gleason http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nothing_in_Common

Get Smart: Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway.  He’s hilarious and she’s annoying.

Scream

Little Black Book with Brittany Murphy and Holly Hunter, wow that was a bad movie, well for how much I saw of it.  Brittany Murphy weighed  about 80lbs in that movie.  Poor girl, RIP.

Oprah’s New Kids On the Block reunion.

CNN: history being made in Egypt.

I also like to watch the Hotel Info channel. Sometimes I just sit on my bed and stare at it. The crappy radio in my room is all static.  The Hotel channel has a smooth asianish /comtemporary instrumental elevator tune, it plays continuously.   It makes me feel  all Kenny G-ish.   These melodies can also be heard in certain Chinese buffets.  Like that big one in Overland Park across from the Walmart on 94^th and Metclalf.   The same “songs” over and over again.  Over and over again.  China Star or Panda Star or some kind of Chinese star. 

Speaking of Chinese, Happy Chinese New Year, Year of the Rabbit. I was trying to get to bed yesterday and heard some major ruckus outside my window.  Sounded like a jack hammer, what the!!!????  It was 4 hotel dudes playing the some huge drums and about 5 guys wearing one of those red lion dance costumes.  The celebration lasted as long as it took for them to dance around the gazeebo.   1 minute max, then the party was over. 

For me it's the year of the Bikram Yoga Rabbit.

Misc food and stuff prices:

1 can of San Miguel Light Philippino beer – 30 pesos.  About 80 cents.

1 can of Heineken – 207 pesos, about $4

1 medium bag of Lay BBQ potato chips 150 pesos $3.40

McDonald’s Egg Mcmuffin, hash browns and Tang (aka OJ) 95 pesos $2.15

Coach purse -  1000 pesos $22 (it might be a knock off)

2 pieces of Fried chicken and a big ole scoop of white rice in the work cafeteria-37 pesos =$.84

7 days of Wifi at the hotel  $2500 pesos=$54

1-6 liter  bottle of water – 67 pesos – $1.50

 If you order a burger and fries in a restaurant here you would think the fry guy forgot to put fries on your plate because you just get a small handful.  Not like home where it’s half the plate.  Everything is smaller here, the people, the egos, the noise level, the prices. 

The only thing supersized here are the Ramen noodles.  The ramen noodles in the convenient stores and grocery stores are the size of a bowl that takes both hands to pick up.  And that shit is tasty.  That’s my new thing, Pho Ramen noodles from 7-11 and sprite zero.

SuperSizeMe Ramen Noodles- $53 pesos  $1.20.

I’m currently watching Scooby Doo in Tagalog, the Philippino language.